Are you one of those people? You know, they binge watch all the British crime shows they can. They read the mysteries by British authors. They join groups on social media to share their favorite British mysteries and to get suggestions for more. They want to visit the home of their favorite murder stories. If you’re not that person, then you know someone who is.

That person? That’s is who this book is for.

Right from the start, Your Guide to Not Getting Murdered in a Quaint English Village starts talking about the danger you put yourself in as soon as you leave the urban streets of the big cities and head for the village. It looks lovely on the outside, all weathered stone and beautiful gardens. But what lurks behind those lovely facades are danger, decay, and death. And you need to prepare yourself before you find yourself in an English Murder Village, begging for your life.

The typical English village consists of two parts, the village proper and the manor. But beware—neither place is safe.

The village consists of places like the church (the bell tower, the vault, the altar—all good places for a murder), the pub (where, as a visitor, you will be watched by everyone the entire time you’re there), and the village hall (the place where hobbyists go to share their interests with others and nurse massive grudges against anyone who doesn’t agree that their jam is the finest). And then there is the fancy antique shop. The owner is always traveling, so it’s never open, yet it somehow stays afloat. (But nobody talks about that.)

If you do find yourself in a village, you might get to meet some of the residents. There’s the doctor, the publican, the oldest resident, the gossip, the constable, and the bird-watcher. There’s also the newest resident, who might actually talk to you (because no one else will talk to them), but don’t get too close. They’ll be dead soon.

And that’s not even talking about all the ways you could be murdered at the village fete, a historical recreation, or at the manor house. Ah, the manor house with its residents and the staff, with the stairs to fall down and the sculptures to fall on you. There is the greenhouse, the basement, and the snakes. So many snakes. I mean knives. So many knives. Be careful meeting up with cousin Lucy in the library, don’t pose for the artist, and don’t get involved in any shooting party.

And remember—don’t make a will. They can smell a fresh will, so let your family just battle it out amongst themselves. It’s so much safer. And there are fewer snakes.

Written by Maureen Johnson and Jay Cooper, Your Guide to Not Getting Murdered in a Quaint English Village is filled with time-tested advice and chilling illustrations that underlie the danger of the quaint English village. It’s clever and funny and charming ,and the perfect gift for your favorite Anglophile, even if (especially if) that British mystery fan is you.

I truly loved this book. It makes fun of all the tropes I find in my favorite murder mysteries, the books and the shows, and let me step back from the binge-watching and laugh at myself for falling for all these storylines. Basically, this is a Lemony Snicket book for adults, and I think it should find its way to every bookshelf next to the M.C. Beaton novels and the Midsomer Murders DVDs.

Egalleys for Your Guide to Not Getting Murdered in a Quaint English Village were provided by Ten Speed Press through NetGalley, with many thanks.