my blue heaven

i have been on a boat

It's Labor Day, and I woke up at 6 this morning even though I didn't have to go to work. I've been sitting here, whittling away at all the things I want to do to get my life "in order," to feel less scattered week by week, while two of my all-time favorite movies play in the background. First, My Blue Heaven, where I remember how phenomenal an actor Steve Martin is even though mostly I am a fangirl for his writing, and where I miss the days when Rick Moranis still made movies. He was (well, probably still is) a comic tour de force. 

Now I'm watching Joe vs. the Volcano, as misunderstood a movie as there has ever been, and it's the highlight of the movie for me. Joe (Tom Hanks) is floating on a raft made of his trunks, and the moon rises over the ocean, bigger than life. Despite everything that has gone wrong (and it's a lot), he kneels before that moon and says, "Thank you for my life." He is grateful with everything he has in him. It is a moment that moves my soul. 

And then the fabulous Nathan Lane shows up in a garish island costume and the illustrious Abe Vigoda shows up with his deadpan delivery and his handheld soul, and it all gets kinda weird again. But I still love it. 

I too have been on a journey. Not the physical one that Joe takes to his volcano. I've just been on a metaphorical boat, or maybe a metaphorical raft made of trunks floating on the ocean. My life hasn't gone in a straight line. I guess no one's does, but I think my line was twistier than most. I got lost along the way, maybe a couple of times. I have known years of depression, and even now my anxiety is a lot higher than I would like. The feeling of being scattered, always running to catch up, always a step (or a mile) behind others--a lot of that is about my anxiety. Writing makes me anxious. Not writing makes me anxious. This is a problem. 

I stopped writing here because of anxiety. But I found that reading did help my anxiety, if only to take me out of myself and my agitation for awhile. And then I wanted to talk about what I was reading. So I needed to write again. I am hoping that this part of my journey takes me to a better version of myself, to a calmer and more centered self where I can write and read and cook and live without so much fear. I am hoping.