swagger free

When I was younger, I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to write books and movies and get big publishing contracts and hang out with famous people and the whole crazy unbelievable dream. And I tried a few times. I've had a couple of agents. I've finished books. I've finished screenplays. I've sent out a lot of queries. 

I have yet to have a book published. I have yet to sell a screenplay. I work as a full-time proofreader (not a complaint--I really love my job), and I read, and I have this website with a couple of blog and some writing samples. 

So how did I get here? 

I have spent a lot of time thinking about this and wondering where I want to go from here. Do I want to keep writing? And if I do, what do I want to write? 

I don't yet have answers for what's next, for if I want to keep writing and trying to get published. But I have figured out at least part of my problem, why it seems so much more difficult for me to find a career in publishing when so many other writers have succeeded. 

I have no swagger. 

I have an enormous amount of trouble faking it when I don't feel it. I don't have an answer as to why people should read what I write. I have no answers, no certainty, no confidence that my writing is better than anyone else's or that my ideas have more merit. Is it bad to say that here?

But then, part of my reasoning for doing this is to find out if I really do have chops. To see if I have anything to say, and to see if I have the clarity of mind to say it. I guess time will tell if I get my swagger back. I do know this--if I ever do get it back, it will be mine to keep. It will have been earned, the hard way, and it will last.